Afraid of my own shadow.

Blair Reynolds responded; He is in fact still using the same e-mail address. I haven’t looked at it yet. This is a pattern which repeats over and over. I throw things out into the world, almost carelessly, and then shrink away when the echos come back. Mark it for later. Add an item to the todo list. Maybe it will be easier to take tomorrow. Or maybe the next day.

Isn’t if funny how we know things but somehow overlook them over and over again, carrying on as if all was well. Maybe I’m afraid of admitting a defect. Yet by knowing it, the damage is done, festering in the back of my mind, with the added effort of covering it up. Maybe I’m afraid of the change that would follow from admitting it.

“Fear is the mind killer” – Frank Herbert, Dune

Chris Crawford taught me something about integrity:

“Any child can see that a fragmented, compartmentalized brain is not going to think as freely, as smoothly, and as well as a more unified brain.”

I’ve used that rational on occasion to justify a policy of honesty, but I don’t think I’ve really followed the advice. There are still a lot dark corners in my mind, and I’m staring down a couple of them now.

So why am I afraid of feedback? Is it fear of conflict? That some difference of opinion will become apparent, requiring my response. Perhaps escalating, leaving me between a flame war and just giving up – so why not give up now and save the trouble.

Perhaps it’s more mild. Feeling torn in multiple directions, anything that arrives promises to take more of my attention; the sooner I respond the sooner it will come back begging again.

Self confidence seems a likely culprit. I ‘know’ it’s going to be bad, so why put myself through the abuse.

I did make myself go back and read the message, but I wanted to sleep on this essay.

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