Mixed messages

I meant to continue sooner; last week Tuesday evening I found out I was flying out Wednesday-Thursday; Sunday was a martial arts seminar. No doubt general procrastination has had some effect too.

Anyway. you can’t make life style cut-backs without a few reservations. Mine are: why couldn’t I ‘cut it’? (to use a different sense of the phrase) At some level, when things came up, they got done, so why couldn’t I handle everything in the normal flow of things? Many people do more, yes? At some level it feels like admitting defeat and failing the responsibilities of daily life. This feeling is what held me back for a very long.

That comes from within. On the other side, is without. When I talked about cutting back at work, what I heard was that I was one of the few people who could be trusted with such an arrangement. There were other statements of which I’ve forgotten the specifics, but which I took as effectively praise. The effect was not dissimilar with the martial arts school, and the condo board seems to love me, even though the best things I can say of the process so far is I’m learning from my mistakes.

I think what bothers me is the disconnect in the messages. As nice as it is to hear praise, are people feeding me lines, or am i taking an unnecessarily dim view of my own actions?

3 Comments

  1. kyrielle says:

    The question isn’t why you couldn’t cut it, though, logically. You could have continued to do so, if you were willing to sacrifice other things. Isn’t the more logical question rather why our society emphasizes earnings above everything else? It benefits the companies, not the people. Why would you want to buy into the idea that you should work full time or more just because That’s What You Do? I suppose if work is a one single obsession it works for the individual, but otherwise….

  2. msphat says:

    You’ve always struck me as being incredibly thoughtful about your actions, neither spending too much or too little time doing some sort of cost-benefits analysis on whatever is at hand. It seems as if you know yourself and your needs well – and you have the courage to do what is in your heart. It seems as if you might be second-guessing yourself on some of this right now – in consumerist language, perhaps some sort of “buyer’s remorse.” I have confidence, though, that you will do what you need to do for yourself.

  3. admin says:

    It’s not even the earnings. Yes, I’ll have to restrain the ‘money is the least of my problems’ idea I’ve had. But I don’t get paid for the rest of it – heck I’m paying for the martial arts classes and was paying for harp lessons. The holes that would be left without me are a concern – even more than the money at my current job.